#ExSelf

Last school year (sophomore in college that is), a friend of mine discovered my talent for singing I guess you could say. Of course, I knew that I loved to sing, but it was never something that I claimed to know how to do or do well. It was just something I did ALL the time. When I was all alone. I've never had voice lessons a day in my life so I've never really had confidence in my own ability. And no one has ever really commented on my singing, but again, I didn't truly sing for anyone - not even my family. I still don't know what the heck I'm doing. Singing has just always been something I've enjoyed doing and hearing. I didn't necessarily think I was bad, but I didn't think I was good either. For me, singing (for the most part) just came so effortlessly that I had convinced myself that I couldn't really sing or that I wasn't doing something quite right. I did know that I had a good ear though: I would sing along with artists, but never on the same note. My tendency was and still is to harmonize (I've discovered that's not so great when you're singing with a choir #oops). I just like turning songs into beautiful duets #whatcanisay it sounds so pretty!
I probably used the wrong musical terminology in those last two sentences. But again, I don't know music. At least not that well. I did play the alto sax in the 6th - 8th grades... and haven't touched it since #shamed.

Anyway, since @jrousethemouse's discovery, she has not gotten off my case. It was sing this, sing that... Now sing it again with your diaphragm. Somehow the song "Ex-Factor" by Lauryn Hill became my theme song for spring semester. It was the song that got most of my vocal attention. And Jas would harmonize with me. By the time we wore that song out, I had really made it my own. So much my own that I was forgetting what the original ever sounded like. My version of it is really MY version. I've always been this way with singing. Once I hear a song enough and get comfortable with the lyrics, I just start to hear it differently in my head. I put myself into the song, and something new comes out. Same words, but a different voice. When I sing other artists' songs, I'm not trying to imitate them. I'm trying to do just the opposite. Put so much distance between that artist's song and my version that they become incomparable. It's no fun doing what somebody else has already done - especially if they've been in the game for a minute and have done it 1,000x better. I love Lauryn Hill; she's one of my favorite singers. It's not that she has the greatest voice in the world, but she has a different voice - her OWN voice. You do what works for you. Don't make your voice fit the song, I've learned, but make the song fit your voice. There are things that one singer can do that I won't be able to or that I won't be able to do as well. So the solution? Do something else. And do it BEST.  I don't want to be the girl who sounds like X. I wanna be the girl who adds her own #lainaflava.

I've performed Ex-Factor for people wayyy too many times. But I guess you can't take my word for it because I am so uncomfortable singing for people and so not confident in myself that one time is one time too many. Getting me to even start will take LITERALLY a whole half hour. It terrifies me. And I never do as well as I could if other people are around. And when I say around I mean AROUND. I would sit in my #single dorm room, door closed and still wonder who was listening and what they were thinking #smh.

However, to my surprise, my first official performance (it was really just a karaoke night at my school) went a lot better than I thought it would. I'm not sure how I sounded and I was .25 seconds from forgetting the words at one point, but once I got past the first verse I felt really comfortable. Me? Comfortable? After I spent the whole 1 1/2 hours or so dreading, sweating, and internally crying! But can you believe it, I was getting into the song! For a while, I didn't see all the people in the room. It was just me and Jas backing me up on stage. Even if I sounded not so good, I #owned that stage. Even if for a short time. And that was a HUGE step for #laiwrench, let me tell ya. And the singing didn't end there #thanks@jrousethemouse-___-. And it's not going to end for at least another year since she'll be around and heavily involved in our Ignite Christian Ministry for at least that long. There's no escape!

But I do realize that this should not be that terrifying for me, and I've got a lot of processing to do about why it is and also about why I am continuing to run from it. This fear isn't going to go away all on its own. I've got to #manup and face it. But that's another blog for some time far away from now because I'm not trying to go there any time soon :) lol. But I would like to share something that I wrote back at the beginning of the summer.

It's my gospel version of Ex-Factor (same tune, different words), and I call it Self-Factor. Enjoy :)

It could all be so simple

But the world makes it so hard

Serving You is such a battle

And I have lost my armor

I know this is a test of faith

I fail because I run away

Fail because I am afraid

Then pretend that I’m all saved

Tell me who I’ve got to be

To live for You and deny me

I want to give You all of me

I want to do Your will

No matter how I think I’ve grown

I’ve still got so much more to go

This ain’t workin

This ain’t workin

And when I try to walk away

Weaken my knees so that I’ll pray:

Lord God, keep me

I need Your mercy

Without Your eyes, I can’t see

I can’t believe that You’d want me

As thankless as I’ve been to You

But still You wait so patiently

See I know what I’ve got to do

You gave Your life

So I’ve got to, too

Cause no one’s loved me more than You

And no one ever will

No matter how I think I’ve grown

I’ve still got so much more to go

This ain’t workin

This ain’t workin

And when I try to walk away

Weaken my knees so that I’ll pray:

Lord God use me

Put Your grace on me

Care for me, care for me

I know You care for me

There for me, there for me

You’re always there Sent

Christ for me, Christ for me

And then he died for me

Gives to me, gives to me

I Thank God He still lives for me